Everything I say is fascinating.

Classic Melissa

Yesterday I was still recovering from my vacation at the beach which was wonderful thanks for asking! I will write more about that later on in the week because today I wanted to tell you about a classic Melissa moment that happened yesterday evening.

Of course after taking a four day vacation you need a full day to recover but I went into the office to touch base with my clients and make some phone calls. What was meant to be a few hours turned into staying till about 4 and then I came home and promptly put on my pajamas and took a nap. I was only going to sleep for about 30-45 minutes. Cut to 3 hours later and it was 7:30 and I was asking myself what the heck happened. I was in no mood to cook dinner so I quickly changed and went to subway across the street.  I walked into subway and to my delight there was no one else in the store so I walked straight up to the counter (this subway is ALWAYS crowded).  The guy behind the counter asked what I wanted and then he looked at me funny. I was still kinda drowsy so I didn't even pay attention so I placed my order. It was while he was cutting the bread that I started to feel strange, like someone was strangling me with my t-shirt. I looked down at my chest and made an audible gasp! I had my shirt on backwards and it was very noticeable. The guy behind the counter looked up and I said I have my shirt on backwards! He laughed and said yeah I noticed.  So what did I do? I started undressing in subway... well I just turned my shirt around and the guy was just looking at me like this girl is so odd. I replied with "I know I'm classy." He laughed and finished putting together my sandwich. I paid and now I'm not sure if I can go into that subway again because I'm kind of embarrassed. Oh who am I kidding I will probably have subway tomorrow.

Halfway to Hell

The story I'm about to tell you is a low point in my life. Funny. But still low. I hang my head in shame and yet I'm kind of giggling about it as well. You will soon see why and don't you dare judge me!

Yesterday I was in Austin to meet a friend who had flown down from New York for a photo shoot. We hadn't seen each other in 2 years so when he called me to tell me was going to be to style Andy Roddick  and could I drive up to meet up with him I said no problem! Although I didn't get to meet Andy (the photo shoot ended up being at his house and I couldn't exactly just show up without looking like a stalker) I did get to go to IKEA. My first trip to IKEA ever! I got lost in the store. No one told me it is a freakin maze. A maze of awesomeness!

After stumbling around for about an hour I finally picked out a desk and proceeded to go pick up the boxes. It came in 2 boxes and each one weighed about 100 lbs. I can barely lift 8 pounds weights and I'm supposed to putt 200 pounds in my cart? There was no one there to help me so I was huffing and puffing, in a dress mind you, trying to get these damn boxes in my cart. Thirty minutes later (I'm not even lying) I finally got them in my cart and I struggled to push it to the self checkout. I checked out and went outside where it was raining. I left my cart at the front went and got my car and pulled up to the loading zone. Was there anyone in sight to help me put the boxes in my car? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I literally did not know what do. I spotted a group of women sitting on some benches and they saw me too and they did not look friendly. In fact their faces seemed to say don't you dare come over here and ask us for help. I had no choice or else my arms were going to dislocate from my shoulders from trying to lift the boxes. I had to devise a plan of action.  I knew what I had to do. Lie. Lie Lie. I started walking over to them and mentally rehearsing what I was going to say to them. I was going to tell them that I had just found out I was pregnant and that my doctor said not to lift anything heavy. I KNOW THE SHAME OF IT ALL! I can't believe those thoughts were even in my brain. I was about to open my mouth to tell them this made up sob story when I saw one of the IKEA male employees come out of the door. I waved him down and he effortlessly put the boxes in my car therefore saving me from life of crime. Because you know once you lie about being pregnant the next stop is holding up a convenient store. 

It's my party and I can vomit if I want to

Let me first start off by saying I need a vacation in a bad way. I'm so tired I'm nauseated. Is that even possible? I might have found a new illness. Take that guy with TB!

I don't even know where to start on relaying the events of this weekend; shall we start with my birthday extravaganza? Me vomiting on the way to the day spa? The two weddings I attended this weekend? The bachelorette party on Saturday night? The story of how my friend touched a urinal cake thinking it was soap?  Again I'm tired just thinking about it all... My weekend started off on Friday night at a new restraunt for dinner where 20 of my friends showed up making me feel like a rock star.  My friend Desi wanted me to wear a terria but I put my foot down... and it totally would have messed up my hair and for once I was having a pretty good hair day. I had a lovely dinner of calamari and Caesar salad except I didn't really eat because I was too busy talking. I know, imagine that! After dinner and drinks we went to a neighborhood bar to check out the scene. One drink later and we were out because it was pretty lame. We decided that we needed to go dancing. Now it must be said I love to go dancing and lets just say I think abba wrote dancing queen just for me. I had stopped drinking at the last place because I know myself and I didn't want to feel horrible the following day. Too late. At about 2 we all said goodbye and I was driven home and I went to bed... well not after I had a couple of bites of ice cream but remember I didn't have dinner and it was my birthday. Don't judge me!
The following morning I dragged myself out of bed threw on some clothes and headed out the door to the spa. My car has GPS which I must say is an awesome feature especially when you are counting the miles so you can get to the bathroom to vomit because you are feeling so sick. I'm traveling down a major street and all I can look at is the map and chanting in my head just two more miles.  I didn't make it the two miles. I had to pull over on the side of the street and I threw open the door and proceeded to throw up on the street all from the comfort of my drivers seat. Classy. Yet another Classic Melissa moment.  (I should have prefaced this story with the fact that I wasn't drunk at all the night before, no really I wasn't. I finished with that stuff a long time ago.) Anyway so there I am throwing up from inside my car and people are honking and waving. I really hope nobody I didn't see anyone I knew especially  their parents.  I finally made it to the spa and Jenny said I looked like death but by the time I left 4 hours later I was revived and ready to go. I even met with clients after that! Gosh I'm good.  In the evening I went to a friends wedding and then quickly rushed home to change for another friends personal shower/bachelorette party.  I was an hour late but really when am I ever on time?  After she opened her gifts we decided to head downtown for the party portion of the evening. It was a coed party so Jenny and I picked up my friend Dave, and all three of us were so tired from the evening before that we had to devise a plan on how to leave this party early. We came up with the brilliant idea of when its time to leave we will catch each other eye and just start waving our hands all wild like in the air.  Imagine someone being chased by bees and you will get the visual picture.  Cut to two hours later and Jenny and I are ready to go and we decide to put our plan into action except when we start waving our arms in the air Dave looks at us like we are crazy. The plan didn't work so well and we ended up looking like idiots. Finally it dawned on him what we were trying to say and he did the sign back and in 10 minutes we were in the car heading home. Although not before seeing 4 bike cops throw one guy into the bushes and yank another one out of his car. I mean who doesn’t like to see a good rumble where bike cops are involved. Now we are finally at Sunday and my friend Amanda is getting married. It was all beautiful till a storm decided to roll in and ruin the festivities. The wedding was outdoors and while we were all eating dinner the manager of the facilities walks out to say we are going to have to move indoors because of the rain that was headed our way. No sooner after he stopped talking that gale force winds came down from the heavens started blowing everything down. I mean we are talking champagne glasses being knocked over as well as the chairs, and tables. I have never seen a staff move so fast to get everything indoors... except they weren't moving quite fast enough. The wedding guest decided to help out and pretty soon we are all collapsing chairs and tables and running for shelter. Have you ever seen the movie forces of nature? How all of a sudden this hurricane ruins the wedding and everything is being swept away it was kind of like that only funnier because my skirt almost flew up over my head at least 3 times. I didn't get home on Sunday till about 12:30 at night and I passed out.  I'm still tired and it's the middle of the week. I will have to tell you guys the urinal cake story later because I'm going to bed. To be continued...

classic melissa

I must clarify that this story doesn't make me look like the sharpest tool in the shed but when do classic Melissa stories ever do?  In lieu of daylight savings time this past weekend I give you this little gem from my past.

I was a junior in high school and I walked into the kitchen where my father is reading the paper. He looks up from his reading and says, "Don't forget to switch your watch and clocks this evening because the time changes." I grab some juice from the fridge and then begin to think about daylight savings time and then blurt out, "Dad, how does the sun know when to speed up around the earth and stuff."
He lowers his paper and looks at me as if he has never seen me before and then says, "Did you really just ask me that?" I look at him with a what's wrong with that question expression on my face. He says, "Melissa we move our clocks it has nothing to do with the earth or the sun."  Just then does it all become clear to me and I have an ah ha moment.

Needless to say this was not one of  my fathers proudest moment of his daughter.

Tomorrow I promise to tell you about meeting Amalah and how wonderful she was!

Classic Melissa... If you are a family member or a friend that is a boy and I know you personally please don't read this post. PART 2

The time has come for my ultimate demise on the Internet. Yes, I'm going to share my secret shame #4.

Secret Shame #4

This is actually a story and not something I do on a habitual basis but I think it qualifies. Last week I was coming home from work and I had to go to the bathroom so bad. My bladder was so full I swear I could hear the water inside. I pulled into my complex ran up the stairs closed and locked the door and then then headed to the bathroom. As I start heading to the bathroom I take off my shoes and skirt along the way. (Now I am doing this in very quick manner not really even paying attention to what articles of clothing are coming off.)  I run to the toilet sit down and proceed to pee. At first i was just happy to empty my bladder but then I noticed that something didn't feel right and I looked down and I see that I FORGOT TO TAKE OFF MY UNDERWEAR! I was peeing though my underwear people! These things only happen to me.

So there you have it I hope you enjoyed that little story as I'm sure later on I will regret posting this.  I knew I should have asked for 20 comments!

Classic Melissa... If you are a family member or a friend that is a boy and I know you personally please don't read this post.

Against my better judgment I'm about to post a story that is horrifying and yet I feel like I need to tell you Internet! What is this power you have over me! (Matt if you are reading this please stop RIGHT NOW... I don't want you bringing this up in public like last time.)

Something happened to me yesterday and it was so funny that I immediately emailed Lori to tell her about it, and then later that night I told her twin sister as well as another friend and they said I had to put it on the blog. Why I listen to them I don't know but here it is the story of mortification.

Yesterday I was in a rush because I had to be at the office by 8:30 and of course I was running late. Just to give you a little run down of how chaotic my morning was I glanced at the clock and flew out bed. I went to the mirror to check out my hair situation. I said, "hair do you need to be washed today because frankly I don't have the time." My hair said it could wait till that evening. I quickly changed out of my pajamas into my work clothes, slapped some makeup on, grabbed my keys and computer and ran out the door. 

Cut to three hours later and my third trip to the bathroom and thats when it happened. I realized I had my underwear on backwards. What's the big deal you say? I was wearing a thong. How in the world had I not noticed when I put them on yesterday morning that they were on backwards? How did I not feel it through out the day? How did I not notice the 2 other times I was in the restroom? I have no explanation and its not like I wear extra large underwear, I'm a small/medium! So there I was thinking to myself crap what do I do? It's not like I can just take off my pants and underwear in the bathroom stall. First of all I had tall boots on so it's not just the pants and the underwear that had to be taken off it was like I had to get halfway undressed also there are a lot of people in our company and there are people coming in and out of the bathroom all the time. In conclusion yesterday I was rocking backward thong underwear for about 10 hours.  Yet, just another time I wish this blog was anonymous.

I promise the New Years post is coming soon.

classic melissa

Just when I don't think anything worthwhile is happening in my life to write about something humorous but completely mortifying happens to me and only to me! I can't believe I'm about to write this, I mean I really can't believe I'm going to admit this to the Internet. And if you are my friend then please don't bring this up in front of others in fact I would appreciate it if you wouldn't bring this up at all  in fact just forget I'm even wrote this post.

I admit it I hover... over a public toilet seat that is. I know you can't catch anything but I just can't bring myself to do it much to Lori and Emily's dismay. Every person who sits on the toilet and makes fun of people who hover have I got a story for you.  It all started when I was at the grocery store and I had to go the bathroom so I proceeded to the nearest restroom and went about my business. I pulled up my pants and that is when I noticed it. I PEED ON MY PANTS! Notice I said on my pants not in my pants. I pulled up my pants and noticed they were all wet on the left hand side. Obviously I freaked out I can't just walk out of the bathroom and continue my grocery shopping as if nothing had happened. I peaked my head out of the stall to check if anyone else was in the bathroom. The coast was clear so I took a look in the mirror to assess the damage and it looked like I had spilled water down my leg. I looked around the bathroom and I noticed the air dryer. Did I take off my pants and dry them? No, because seriously how would that look if you walked into your grocery store bathroom and there was some girl who was pantless standing around while her pants were drying. So there I am pushing the hand dryer every minute while hoisting my leg up in the air as if I were doing a yoga position. It's times like these that I wish my blog was anonymous.

Classic Melissa

I was torn between naming this entry Goodbye To You or Classic Melissa. Although my Classic Melissa post are usually about me doing something stupid this post has a definite Classic Melissa feel to it. What am I writing about today is The WB network.Tonight was the last night of the network that gave us such classics as Dawson's Creek, Gilmore Girls and don't even get me started on Felicity! I loved this network. I freely admit that I watched every season of Dawson's Creek and Felicity. Even though I needed a dictionary to follow Dawson's Creek it was worth it to see the sexual tension play out on screen between Dawson, Joey, Pacey and Jen.  Felicity actually started when I was a freshman in college so it was almost as if I was Felicity... well minus Noel and Ben fighting over me but those were minor details. I am still obsessed with Gilmore Girls but really what girl isn't? I also am a firm believer that if My So Called Life was on the WB it would never have gotten canceled and we would have finally seen Angela Chase give it up to Jordan Catalano.

Not to mention the music that these shows had in them provided the perfect soundtrack to my high school teenage angst and college gosh I hope I find myself years.

I actually remember a time when I was driving and I saw a billboard and it has all these people on it and it said The Palace. I immediately thought "Oh maybe this is going to be a new WB show!" Upon driving closer I noticed that The Palace was actually a new strip club opening up downtown. Needless to say I was bummed, and then I felt complete stupid because I was looking forward to a WB show! What a loser.

When you think about it a lot of actors got their start on this network or just had a series: Katie Holmes, Scott Speedman, Keri Russell, Barry Watson, Sarah Michelle Geller, Michelle Willams, Jamie Foxx, Selma Blair, Amanda Peet, Jessica Biel and so many others.   

This evening they played the pilot episodes of Felicity, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's Creek. Although I never watched Angel or Buffy but I realize they have to pay homage to these teenage shows too. I am not going to lie I have been made fun of by many of friends for watching The WB but I still don't care. Goodbye WB you treated me well, and you can bet your ass I will be tuning into The CW!

Posting just to post

I'm still here but there is a lot going on and hopefully I will get to update soon.

classic melissa

We all know how I  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE Wal-Mart so of course this would only happen to me.

I went to Wal-Mart grabbed a cart and I didn't even really pay attention to the cart until halfway through my shopping trip. I looked down and noticed with the utmost horror that my hand had been resting on a pantie liner from a swimsuit that someone had stuck on the cart! I almost vomited right then and there.

Never again Wal-Mart NEVER AGAIN!