Everything I say is fascinating.

Classic Melissa... The Underwear Edition Part 4549837

We all know I have bit of trouble with my underwear. Do we remember the incident of 2007? Yeah that was fun! Well I have yet another one for you and it involves strangers and my doctor.

Last Monday I went to get my steroid lumbar epidural shot for my back and when I called to make the appointment the receptionist made sure to tell me that to dress warmly for the waiting room. I made sure to follow those instructions because if it's one thing that always happens to me its that I always get cold. What does one even wear for such an occasion as getting a giant shot in the back? Well LAYERS. I had on these pants from the gap in grey and white shirt with green cardigan. Now when you wear those kinds of pants one must wear a thong and if you aren't wearing a thong and are going for the full bottom coverage well we need to talk. E-mail me please because people are talking about you behind your back. 

What was I saying? Oh yes! So I knew I was going to be changing into one of those gowns where you are exposed in the back and I remember thinking to myself that I should bring another pair of underwear so I would be showing everyone the goods! Well you know how that goes I think it and then it disappears. They call my name I go to change and what is the first thing I remember OH CRAP I FORGOT MY EXTRA PAIR OF UNDERWEAR! I come out of the changing room clutching the back of my gown like the grip of death because one gust of wind and that everyone will be getting a free show courtesy of my backside. 

They lead me to my bed and close the curtain. I was the second to last patient of the day and I was being treated at an out patient hospital so privacy really wasn't high on the list.  The other patient there was a 19 year old boy who had broken his wrist and was having surgery to set all the bones in his hand. Since there was only a curtain and a bed separating us I could hear everything that was going on and he sounded like he was in dire amounts of pain. I was already nervous about my upcoming shot and this was not helping the matter at all. He starts moaning and saying things like just cut my arm off already and I want to die. It's at this point my doctor comes over to me and whispers into my ear don't worry he's not my patient. Thank goodness. It was also at this time that I heard him ask the nurse am I having an allergic reaction to the medicine? The nurse said, "Um... we haven't given you anything yet." I'm sure she was really trying hard to keep a straight face when he asked this question because I burst out laughing when I heard her answer. 

Wasn't I talking about my underwear? Thats right I was. When the nice man came to give me the drugs he said that it would put me under, but it was the kind of sedation that I could talk but I wouldn't remember what was being said and that I wouldn't remember any pain. I said fine sign me up! Cut to an hour later and I'm waking up to two nurses around me checking my vitals or playing cards or whatever i don't know what they doing, but I opened my eyes and they said "Hi welcome back!" The first words out of my mouth, "Hi did I say anything funny?" (Lets just say I know myself.)  Nurse one stammered and said, "Nooo noooo. Why?" And then quickly looked at the other nurse two who smiled and tried to turn away, but not before I saw her! I demanded to know what I said and then they confessed that I might have apologized a couple of times for my choice of underwear. Apparently I slurred to the doctor and anyone who would listen that I didn't mean to wear a thong and show my bare ass to the whole world and I meant to bring along proper underwear.  

This story wouldn't be so bad if I only had to see these people once but I had to see them again TODAY! And of course they remembered me! When one of the nurses was putting the IV in she said, "So are going to be sharing anything with us this time?" I laughed and said, "No, I had all the appropriate garments on today." After my second injection I didn't ask if I said anything funny and I really think it's for the best. Ignorance is bliss.   

Classic Melissa... The Pain Edition

Just when I think I had run out of material for the blog my body decided to REVOLT against me and gives me plenty of blogging material for your enjoyment and trust me this story is full of tears and laughter! 

Friday morning was probably going to be the biggest day of the month (work wise) so I had my alarm set for 6 so I could get an early start on the day so I wouldn't feel rushed. My alarm went off as planned and as I turned my body to shut it off I felt as if my someone had stuck a butcher knife in my back. The pain was so severe that it went down both my legs and up my spine. I decided to lay there for ten minutes and wish the pain the away. It didn't happen. I had no choice but to try to get out of bed. I had the forethought to grab the phone by my bedside table in case something went wrong and I'm so glad I did; with tears in my eyes I swung my legs over my bed and I tried to stand on my feet just to fall to the ground in a great big mess. I then tried to get on all fours and crawl to the bathroom, who knows why I tried to get to the bathroom, I'm not sure my logic was in it's best state at this point in time but I even my knees couldn't support me either. I touched my legs with my hands and I couldn't feel my hands on my legs and that is when I made the call.

I franticly called my mom and dad and said I can't feel my legs, I need to go to the hospital! We need to go call 911. I'm sure if they weren't awake at 6 am that phone call woke them right up!   Now a little sidenote about me is that I really hate going to the doctor. My parents have to twist and beg me to go to the doctor for any kind of illness I might have so for me to call them in the morning and the first thing out of my mouth is, "I need to go to the hospital." They knew I meant business... as if the tears and the hysteria weren't enough but I digress.  

I get my parents on the phone and I tell them what is going on they tell me they are on their way but we face a big problem, which is how are they going to get into my apartment? My parents have a key but I have it dead-bolted for safety and there is no way I can just walk over and open the door; it took me an HOUR AND HALF to army crawl on the floor of my apartment to open the door for my parents. Keep in my mind while this time is ticking away all I can think about is every episode of ER and Grey's Anatomy that I have seen where they find a tumor in someone's back and then they are a goner! So you know I'm crying! In all honesty I looked like this pug. I'm not going to lie, I'm sure if it didn't happen to me it would have been hilarious! I present visual aid #1. 

Once my parents were in my apartment, had calmed me down, and called the ambulance, I started doing business. Remember by this time it was practically 8:00 am and I had meetings all day long. I was on my cell phone with work and with different title companies and clients telling them what was going on but not to fear because I had other agents that were going to be there to represent them at their closings. APPARENTLY EVEN IN A TIME OF CRISIS I AM A DAMN GOOD REALTOR. I'm just saying.  

The ambulance arrives and my mom comes into the room and tells me I have good news and bad news. I just whimper what is it? I can't be bothered by details right now because HELLO MY LEGS ARE FALLING OFF! She tells me the ambulance is here (the good news) but the EMT's are really good looking (bad news since I look like I'm homeless and I haven't even brushed my teeth). I think she was trying to make me smile and make me feel better but at that point I didn't care until they walked into my apartment and I noticed they could have won an Oscar for best looking in a movie if there was such a category! I'm completely embarrassed as they strap me onto the stretcher and away we go to the hospital. 

Twenty minutes later they are unstrapping me from the stretcher and I of course make an inappropriate comment and say, "I haven't been touched like that in a long time."  My parents are obviously not in the room with me because pain or no pain my mom would have slapped me. The EMT's just laughed out loud and said that that was a good one.  I like to think even under pressure and severe pain I bring my A game.  

The PA sees me for about 10 minutes and says oh it's just muscle spasms and wants to send me on my way. I wanted to slap him, but my doctor shows up at this point and rips him a new one and says there is no way you are discharging my patient blah blah blah she needs an MRI and all these other test and I'm whisked away.  Because seriously I can't believe he wanted to let me leave the hospital! I'm not ashamed to admit this but I had to go to the bathroom and they asked me if I could make it to the bathroom and I OPTED FOR THE BEDPAN! AGAIN I CHOSE THE BEDPAN. That is the type of pain we are talking about here and not to mention that I couldn't FEEL MY LEGS!  Most people would describe me as a religious person but during this time I'm talking I found jail-house religion.  

It all happened very fast but I go to have an MRI and the technician tells me I have seen enough of these to tell you what you have even though I'm not a doctor. I convince him to spill the beans. He tells me I have a a herniated disc and then asks me how I could have gotten it or if I have had back pain before? I said I have no idea. Then wish a straight face he asks me well do you power lift?  Now I'm lying down on a bed/ gurney/ stretcher/ whatever the hell you want to call it, so all I can do is look up at his face to see if he is serious and he is! With an equal straight face I said I'm 5'3" and weigh 130 pounds. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I POWER LIFT? I HAVE CHICKEN LEGS! (I can't believe I told the internet how much I weigh, it must be the drugs.)

So after four days in the hospital they decided against surgery for now, but they are starting me on epidural injections for the next two weeks instead and see how I do on those and hopefully my body will heal itself and I won't have to have surgery. As for now I can't drive for more then a month, I have to take a leave of absence from work for 6 weeks and I think on my first day of bed rest I have reached the end of the internet.  

This is what is going on in my spine. It doesn't look like much but when it causes you to look like the hunchback of Notre Dame trust me it will come to mean a lot to you! 

On the other hand be expecting a lot more post because now I can finish all the ones I have stock piled. None of this once a week updating thing I have been doing the past couple of months. So when you think about it my back problem really is benefiting you! THE READERS!  

Classic Melissa

I went to the doctor today because I still have a cough THREE WEEKS LATER! I was so thankful the doctor fit me into her schedule I didn't even mind waiting for an hour with only one magazine to read. It was while I was in the waiting room that I started coughing. Now this wasn't a major coughing fit just normal coughing when the nurse opens the door and I think she is going to call a patient's name when she walks over to me and hands me a mask! Everyone stars at me as if I really do have the black lung! I don't put it on but I do use to to cover my mouth when I cough but it's not like I was coughing with my mouth wide open aiming it at people seeing who I could infect with my germs. I wasn't raised in a barn.

Naturally I took a picture of myself when I got home.

Classic Melissa

I'm still sick. Also I had a coughing fit so bad yesterday, I threw my back out. This would only happen to me.

Classic Melissa: Things I really shouldn't tell you

I present this in list form.

1. I once hurt my wrist playing air guitar. I was really into it.

2. I like Nickleback. Yes I hang my head in shame.

3. I secretly laugh at happy endings.

4. I watch Keeping up with the Kardashians because it makes me feel smarter but also for hair and makeup ideas.

5. I'm reading What to Expect When You're Expecting. Not because I'm pregnant but because my best friends is and its so we can talk about it. Thats kinda weird right? Also I was not expecting that book to be that big! My goodness my arm might fall off because that book is so heavy. If anyone breaks into my apartment I know what I'm hitting them with!

6. I check facebook way too much.

7. I take sleeping pills sometimes and the other day I got up to go to the bathroom. Now keep in mind it was the middle of the night and I was very groggy but if my toilet hadn't been near a wall I would have fallen over mid pee. It was like I was drunk. If this is the effect you would like may I suggest Target sleep aid.

8. I feel I take way too much medication for someone my age (27) seriously 4 pills in the morning and three at night. I might as well schedule my hip replacement now.

9. A. I have a memory problem. To be honest not a lot of people know this about me in fact very few people. Well one of the medications I take for my migraines says that forgetfulness is a common side effect. I will sometimes be in sitting in traffic and think to myself, did I shower today? And I have to think LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS! This may seem funny but sometimes it can be a real pain.
B. Lori left a comment and it also reminded that sometimes I will sit at stop signs and wait for the light to change! It's a wonder how I got my drivers license.

10. I think my fish is anorexic. He has just stopped eating. I think he hates me and is trying to kill himself. Perhaps I should put on Finding Nemo to cheer him up?

Classic Melissa Snarky Edition

Lately I have been attending a lot of baby showers and weddings It seems that over the past month I have been to one every weekend and I am starting to predict the conversation. Not that I don't enjoy it because I do, just not when it's centered around me. Like when I haven't seen someone in oh about seven years and the first words out of your your mouth shouldn't be these: (because my reply is going to be something not so nice.)

Her: Hey! So when is this going to be you? When are you going to get married?

Me: Hey! How's your rocky marriage doing? I heard you're headed for divorce.

Okay I didn't really say that, although had there been drinks at that baby shower I probably would have, but I swear the next time someone asks me that question I'm going to and I don't care who it is, even if their marriage is rock solid, so WATCH OUT!

Classic Melissa

On Saturday I did a 5k for Race for the Cure and there were several people from my company that did it with me. Now I'm sure from this title that that you expect me to tell you that I fell face first in front of everyone and my teeth fell out. I'm proud to say that isn't the case and even more shocking was someone told me that every time they see me it seems like I'm always so put together. The very next day I stabbed my finger with scissors, I gave myself a charlie horse, and I dropped a can of tomato sauce on my toe which I think is now broken. The day after that I burned my thumb on my flat iron. If that woman only knew the real me.

Classic Melissa... ADD Edition

During the Christmas holiday season people often get frazzled and I am no exception to the rule. I had to buy something at Best Buy and I found a killer parking spot which was great since I wanted to run in and run out. In my haste of getting out of the car I was halfway into the store when I started questioning myself if I had locked the car or not. I started searching in my purse (aka the black hole) looking for my keys. I couldn't find them and then I really started panicking. It got so far as to me stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and I started pulling things out of my purse and laying them on the ground as I searched for my keys. They weren't there and dread came into my stomach as I ran to my car to see if I had locked them in there. No, no I did not. Instead I left the car unlocked and the keys in the ignition. Not only that but I also hadn't turned the car all the way off! I might as well have made a sign that said please steal me my owner is an idiot.

Now if the above wasn't proof enough that I might be lacking some brain cells, two days later I was driving and I started hearing this strange beeping noise coming from my purse. I knew it wasn't my cell phone because it was in the cup holder beside me. I again started to get worried and visions of some bomb somehow being dumped into my purse started clouding my reasoning. I mean who am I Sydney Bristow from Alias? I opened up my purse and there inside was the cordless phone from my house. I am seriously losing it. I think it might be time to up my medication.

Train Wreck

It is no secret that I am a walking disaster, anyone who knows me can tell you that information.  This trip hasn't been any different and I'm not sure were to begin my stories. Should I tell you how I walked into a tree? Should I tell you how I fell down because my backpack was to heavy? How about the time when I fell face down going up a flight of stairs? All those stories are good but none of them compare to my friend Emily's story and it's so good I can't stop laughing when I think about it. 

We had to catch a flight from Krabi to Bangkok and of course we were running late.  I thought we were going to die on the way to the airport because my friend Darin, who lives in Thailand, was driving and I could have sworn we almost got into several wrecks. He claims he had it all under control but thats hard to believe when there is a car coming straight for you at about 60 miles per hour but I digress.

We finally made it to the airport with no less then about 5 minutes to spare. The ticket counter was closing down when we ran up to it. I should also note that when I say the term airport I use that term very loosely. They have 2 gates and the security there is a joke. My boarding pass was printed like a receipt. Emily and I went through security while laura paid for her extra luggage and Darin returned the car. I don't know what happened between the check-in gate and security but somewhere along that line Emily starting freaking out that we were going to miss the plane. She starts running through the airport to the gate and I'm running behind her but I'm thinking why are we running?

Emily gets to the gate and there is no one there checking anybody in so she just goes down the escalator and running down to the walk way to the plane. It's at this point that I start yelling at her because I realize what is going on and I look out the window and there is no plane just an empty walk way.
I'm at the top of the escalators shouting "Emily there is no plane!"  Emily just keeps on running.
I waited for her to realize her mistake and when she does its classic. She comes running back up the walkway and looks up to me and shouts "Melissa there is no plane!" I shout down to her, "I KNOW. IT'S 11:50 OUR FLIGHT DOESN'T LEAVE TILL 12:30." Her face is priceless as it all registers in her brain and she says very meekly, "Oh." Emily takes several tentative steps to the escalator and thats when we both realize that this whole ordeal has just been witnessed by about 150 people who are all waiting in the airport to board our plane.

classic melissa

Yesterday we took a tour off of some of the islands around Thailand which including, snorkeling, kayaking, swimming and chatting. In that order I might add. I would like to discuss the snorkeling and kayaking part of the trip. I have never snorkeled before and I lasted about maybe 5 minutes and two of those minutes were spent trying to put on that stupid mask. Then there was the kayaking and God help me it was supposed to be for 15 minutes but we had the kayak for 45. Of course it was Emily and I who were stuck and the boat is honking and we are paddling with all our might and somehow just managing to go in circles. We ended up getting out of the kayak and dragging it behind us but not before I fell on the rocks. Ahh good times. But the talking with french boys with nice accents? That was nice.