I have touched lightly on this subject once before but I'm going to go a little bit more in depth in today's post and talk about what happens in the later years of an only child. What happens when you are the only child and your parents get older and you are the only person who is there to take care of them? The responsibility rest solely on your shoulders and sometimes it's hard to just get through the day. I never talk about this to anyone except my very close friends. I feel like I'm complaining and I don't mean to. Even writing this is hard.
My parents had me when they were older so most of their friend's children are ten years ahead of me. My mom was 34 about to turn 35 and my dad was 38 about to turn 39. Now it doesn't seem so odd, but back then 27 years ago, it was probably the equivalent of 45 or 50. So do the math and my parents are up there in age. Anyone who has parents who are starting to go through health issues knows it can be a trying time, hopefully you have a brother a sister, a husband or a wife to help you through it. When you are an only child and you aren't married yet, you have this sense of responsibility and suddenly you become the parent.
This is what has happened to me.
I can't tell you exactly when it happened, when the shift occurred, but I know it has. All of sudden the phone calls that I get have started out with "I need you to do ..." And there is no one else to do those things but me. In the last two years my mother has had three surgeries and while she is fine now I wish I had had someone to talk to or to help me when she came home from the hospital. That was such a trying time for our relationship. Last year my father went into the hospital for a week. It was the first time I had ever seen him sick. I had no one to talk to about it and it scared me and thats when I really felt alone and for the first time in a long time I wished I had a brother or sister to lean on.
I want to move away from Texas again and I am slowly taking the steps to do that (details to come on Thursday) but I feel guilty because again I'm the only child and who else will help them if they need it? Sometimes I feel like crying because I think what if something happens and I'm not there. I know I can't live in a world of what ifs but this is my reality. This is what I deal with every day. I feel bad as if I am complaining and I don't mean to. I mean they are my parents. They have done so much for me how can I complain? I mean, I owe them right? They paid for my college. They took care of me! They have literally given me the world how can I not help them in any way that I can? The only answer I can give you is sometimes I feel as if I am drowning. These emotions are real and raw.
While I am slowly figuring this out I know there has to be others out there who feel the same way I do. Who sincerely love their parents and want the best for them but at the same time need a way to find a balance. I'm trying to find this balance.
This is something I hadn't really thought about. But I am probably actually going to end up finding myself in a similar situation- my sister is a mess and isn't going to likely be particularly helpful in any of these matters. And I'm watching my mom go through this now- my grandfather recently died and last week my grandma broke her hip and is in the hospital.
That said, you shouldn't feel guilty about doing what you want. I'm sure your parents wouldn't want that either.
Posted by: slynnro | June 03, 2008 at 07:45 AM
ick, ick, ick...i hate that you're going thru this. I know you'll find that balance--it does exist. If anyone can figure it all out, you can. Hopefully your parents can see that in order for you to be truly happy, you need to spread your wings and explore the world. HOW FREAKING CHEESY DO I SOUND TODAY? I need to buy one of those motivational posters with mountain landscapes in the background.
Posted by: Emily Ann | June 03, 2008 at 08:58 AM
God doesn't ask anything of us without also empowering us to do it. I know that seems trite but I think it applies to you because you are one of the strongest, smartest women I know and if anyone CAN handle a challenge like this, it's you. And even though you don't have a brother or sister, you do have friends who love you and a God who wants to be your best friend and your source of strength.
I know that when the rest of us get to the point where we're caring for our parents in their old age, you're going to be such a great source of advice and encouragement. I'm so proud of your willingness to admit your vulnerability and human-ness. It's an beautiful quality.
Posted by: Catherine | June 03, 2008 at 09:15 AM
I can't say that I can completely relate to what you're going through, but I do hear you and your concerns. My opinion is that when you're an only child that you tend to rely more on your friends and they tend to become your family. You've got a great group of friends that would be there for you in a heartbeat if anything were to happen. Jenny and I just talked about this the other day and she had said you were the friend she knew she could always count on, no matter what. So I think because you're that kind of friend to people, then in return, you have those kinds of friends who support you as well. I'm talking in circles and rambling--sorry. I'm excited to hear what your news is on Thursday!
Posted by: Kerri | June 03, 2008 at 09:43 AM
What Kerri said is true. I know that I can ALWAYS count on you to be there for me. Likewise, please know that I will do the same for you. Not because I feel obligated, but because you truly are another sister to me! You know that you are my mexican sister so it's time your family recognizes me as their white girl daughter! :) Seriously though, no amount of money would keep me from making a trip if you ever needed me!
On another note, you're doing great on how you handle things with your parents. At the same time though, you do need to explore and figure out what needs you have in your life! Just continue to be honest with your parents and let them see your heart. I love you friend!
Posted by: Jenny | June 03, 2008 at 05:09 PM
Lissa, I'm thinking of you. And praying for you. And I can't stop thinking that you are such a wonderful person to even CONSIDER such issues in such a serious, thoughtful way. There are a lot of people out there who don't give their parents and what they've done for them a second thought. Yours must be so very very proud of you and the wonderful, thoughtful, sincere person you are.
Posted by: Emily | June 03, 2008 at 08:13 PM
Dear sweet Melissa. I hear you. You're young, single and have no kids. You want to just run free without worrying about it sometimes. You're allowed to feel this way and I hope that your close friends allow you to vent, because letting it out allows you to keep being the great daughter that you are without developing an ulcer. ;)
When my mother became seriously ill because of complications from her diabetes. My parents waited until the very last minute and then called me to say "We need you to come home." I have 2 sisters and one brother. one sis was too young, the other was/is a hot mess and my bro had a family of his own to care for. So naturally, the daughter with the good job, AWESOME apartment and good looking boyfriend was their only choice, lol. At first I went into caretaker mode. But then the resentment settled in, I missed the life I had made for myself. Those feelings would come and go, but now my Mom has her health back and is leading a normal life.
You and your parents are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Ki | June 12, 2008 at 01:51 PM
hello guys. I'm an only child and do not share many things, however, are quite right on several points, I enjoyed reading on this subject, thanks for your contribution!
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