Everything I say is fascinating.

My Brush With The Law

Do you remember when I got that speeding ticket earlier this month? Yeah well I thought I had it all taken care of but umm... no I didn't. I looked at the ticket to see when I needed to pay it off and to my astonishment it said July 23rd. I could have sworn it said the 28th but even if it had, hello that's a Saturday! The courts? Well they aren't open on the weekends so I should have known that something was wrong with that date anyway. As soon as I found out that I was out of days to take care of my ticket visions of me having a warrant out for my arrest and becoming someone's bitch in prison flooded my mind. I hightailed it to the court today to take care of the offending ticket.

I got to the municipal court at about 1:30 parked my car and proceeded to try to enter the building. Now is should be noted that I have never been to a municipal court before I didn't know that you had to go through a metal detector and pass your bags through x-ray machines just to get into the building. I felt like I should have a boarding pass in my hands.  At the x-ray machine  the lady asked if she could go through my bag and I said sure no problem! Then she found my Supra Key and was all WHAT IS THIS!?! I had to calmly explain to her that I was a Realtor and it is what I used to get into the houses. I don't know what she thought it was, but I get the impression that if I had said it is how I communicate with the moon she would have said all right and let me pass.

I went to my assigned courtroom where they told me to take a seat. The seats aren't very comfortable but then why would they be? I mean we have all broken the law so why should they pamper us! I was waiting for the girl to call out my name so I could go see the judge when I noticed man my lips are really chapped. I started digging through my purse to take out my favorite lip gloss/chap stick and when I finally found it I started putting it on not giving it a second thought.  Out of nowhere this police woman starts shouting at me! "EXCUSE ME! MA'AM THIS IS NOT A BATHROOM IF YOU WANT TO PUT ON MAKEUP TAKE IT TO THE RESTROOM!" I was shocked and all I could mummer was a small voice that said sorry my lips were chapped. It was at this moment I noticed people looking at me and it seemed like they were silently judging me. Then I came to my senses and was all Excuse me! You should stop yelling at me and maybe take a look in the mirror because that orange/red lipstick you got going on there isn't doing anything for you. In fact here take my gloss, consider it a gift. Okay so all of that was said in my head but seriously the woman needed help. So what did I really do after this crazy incident happened? I started texting of course.

I had to tell my friends about what just happened and I didn't exactly notice that you had to turn off your phone when you went into the court room. I had it on silent so I wasn't bothering anyone and in fact I had it in purse while I was doing my texting when another officer started yelling at me! MA'AM PUT YOUR CELL PHONE AWAY IF YOU NEED TO MAKE A CALL PLEASE DO IT OUTSIDE! I promptly  turned off my cell phone.  Again everyone was looking at me and I said man I'm getting busted left and right! No one laughed. It was like crickets people, but it was also the moment that about 15 people took out their cellphones and turned them off. I like to think I took one for the team and performed a public service. Another ten minutes went by and I was tempted to take out my book and start reading but I was afraid they might yell at me again. I can hear it now, "MA'AM WE DON'T ALLOW READING." 

I was still waiting for my name to be called when a man in a suit walked in and I'm going to fully admit he was VERY good looking. We kept catching each others eye as he was waiting in line, this was probably due to the fact that we were the only ones there in business attire. I could tell he was just as annoyed as I was about having to come down to the court to settle a ticket. After he was done waiting in line he looked around the room to find a seat and lo and behold he started walking toward the empty seat next to me. He sat down and gave me a half smile I gave him a half smile as well and I was about to say something  when the judge called out my name!  Story of my life.

Classic Melissa

Yesterday I was still recovering from my vacation at the beach which was wonderful thanks for asking! I will write more about that later on in the week because today I wanted to tell you about a classic Melissa moment that happened yesterday evening.

Of course after taking a four day vacation you need a full day to recover but I went into the office to touch base with my clients and make some phone calls. What was meant to be a few hours turned into staying till about 4 and then I came home and promptly put on my pajamas and took a nap. I was only going to sleep for about 30-45 minutes. Cut to 3 hours later and it was 7:30 and I was asking myself what the heck happened. I was in no mood to cook dinner so I quickly changed and went to subway across the street.  I walked into subway and to my delight there was no one else in the store so I walked straight up to the counter (this subway is ALWAYS crowded).  The guy behind the counter asked what I wanted and then he looked at me funny. I was still kinda drowsy so I didn't even pay attention so I placed my order. It was while he was cutting the bread that I started to feel strange, like someone was strangling me with my t-shirt. I looked down at my chest and made an audible gasp! I had my shirt on backwards and it was very noticeable. The guy behind the counter looked up and I said I have my shirt on backwards! He laughed and said yeah I noticed.  So what did I do? I started undressing in subway... well I just turned my shirt around and the guy was just looking at me like this girl is so odd. I replied with "I know I'm classy." He laughed and finished putting together my sandwich. I paid and now I'm not sure if I can go into that subway again because I'm kind of embarrassed. Oh who am I kidding I will probably have subway tomorrow.

Halfway to Hell

The story I'm about to tell you is a low point in my life. Funny. But still low. I hang my head in shame and yet I'm kind of giggling about it as well. You will soon see why and don't you dare judge me!

Yesterday I was in Austin to meet a friend who had flown down from New York for a photo shoot. We hadn't seen each other in 2 years so when he called me to tell me was going to be to style Andy Roddick  and could I drive up to meet up with him I said no problem! Although I didn't get to meet Andy (the photo shoot ended up being at his house and I couldn't exactly just show up without looking like a stalker) I did get to go to IKEA. My first trip to IKEA ever! I got lost in the store. No one told me it is a freakin maze. A maze of awesomeness!

After stumbling around for about an hour I finally picked out a desk and proceeded to go pick up the boxes. It came in 2 boxes and each one weighed about 100 lbs. I can barely lift 8 pounds weights and I'm supposed to putt 200 pounds in my cart? There was no one there to help me so I was huffing and puffing, in a dress mind you, trying to get these damn boxes in my cart. Thirty minutes later (I'm not even lying) I finally got them in my cart and I struggled to push it to the self checkout. I checked out and went outside where it was raining. I left my cart at the front went and got my car and pulled up to the loading zone. Was there anyone in sight to help me put the boxes in my car? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I literally did not know what do. I spotted a group of women sitting on some benches and they saw me too and they did not look friendly. In fact their faces seemed to say don't you dare come over here and ask us for help. I had no choice or else my arms were going to dislocate from my shoulders from trying to lift the boxes. I had to devise a plan of action.  I knew what I had to do. Lie. Lie Lie. I started walking over to them and mentally rehearsing what I was going to say to them. I was going to tell them that I had just found out I was pregnant and that my doctor said not to lift anything heavy. I KNOW THE SHAME OF IT ALL! I can't believe those thoughts were even in my brain. I was about to open my mouth to tell them this made up sob story when I saw one of the IKEA male employees come out of the door. I waved him down and he effortlessly put the boxes in my car therefore saving me from life of crime. Because you know once you lie about being pregnant the next stop is holding up a convenient store. 

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

::silence::

::crickets::

My funk continues. Can you tell? So I'm going to take a hint from Emily Ann and start listing things that I'm happy for... let the clapping begin.

1. I'm going to the beach this weekend

2. Jenny's coming to town on the 26th

3. I'm going to see Emily Ann at the end of Sept... or the beginning of Oct.

4. I might get to meet Andy Roddick on Tuesday.

5.  I think it has finally stopped raining here in Texas

6.  I kick ass at my job.

7. I finally have some direction in my life

8. I might get to go to Thailand after all...

Nothing Last Forever

I should have known July was going to be a bad month, what with the 45 straight days of rain we are having down here. I got a speeding ticket on the 1st and I tried to flirt my way out of it and he was having none of it! NONE OF IT. I must be rusty... note to self must work on that.

Now onto what has really put me into a funk my Thailand trip is off. I am obviously devastated. I had been planning this thing since MARCH, not to mention that a bunch of my girlfriends went to Greece for two weeks earlier this summer and I didn't go because of this Thailand trip. So not only am I devastated I'm seriously PISSED OFF.  It all started when one member of the group said that  it might be too many days to take off from work, which I can respect that, I mean it's work. We tried to work around it; perhaps shorten our trip, cut out Hong Kong, a nip here, a tuck there but to no avail it just wasn't going to work and mostly it was because of travel time.

We went back to the drawing board. Where can we go over Thanksgiving? Turkey? Spain? Belize? All are viable options and then another bomb was dropped on me. One of the other people I was going with casually asked if I would mind if they brought the person they were dating. If that person found out we were going to go on a vacation and she wanted to go would I mind? I said yes of course I would mind!  The other two people on the trip are already dating and I'm not going to spend a vacation that I spent 4 months in the making (I like to be detailed) feeling like the 5th wheel. I was pissed. Then on the fourth I get a text message from another friend suggesting I take a friend so it will be un-awkward; like I needed a play date or something and that really pissed me off. What really makes me mad about this is the fact that he even had the audacity to ask me. Not five months ago I didn't go on a ski trip because it was all couples and families and he said yeah I wouldn't go either. It's not like he didn't know I would be upset. Perhaps I'm overreacting but I think it was the combination of everything from not going on the Greece trip for this Thailand trip (which they all knew about), to this being the 5th wheel thing and them not seeing the problem.  In one conversation it was even stated I don't want to screw you over. Well you know what? You just did.

Live Free or Die Hard

I was attacked in my apartment on Friday night... by a flying cockroach. Yes I'm still traumatized but I feel I should share my story with everyone. I might even go on the lecture circuit.

On Friday night I was at a birthday dinner for my friend's Doug and Matt and after the dinner we went over to my friend Krystal's apartment. Our conversations were funny but then somehow they took an odd turn and drifted over to homicide (I blame all 15 of the law and orders that are on TV right now, I'm just saying), so when I got home at 2am I was freaked out. As I was preparing for bed I checked all my hall closets, behind the shower curtain I even checked my laundry room where the only way a person could fit in there would be if they were a contortionist.  I washed my face and then proceeded to go to my bedroom. I flicked on the light and screamed.  I had spotted a cockroach and it was on the move. Now I don't live in squaller, I'm not dirty, I vacuum on a a regular basis and Pine-sol is my best friend so when I saw this cockroach all I could was how dare you invade my bubble of cleanliness. I blame the weather and the fact that it has rained everyday for the past week and half and they are trying to seek shelter. Stupid rain. 

I didn't know what to do. My first instinct was to call someone to take care of it but it was 2am and I don't think anyone would have appreciated that phone call. I decided to take matter into my own hands and I got the broom. I took my stance it was either me or him  and we both knew one of us wasn't going to come out alive. Like I said he was on the move and I waited till he was in the crease between the wall and the ceiling and then I made my move. I lunged at it with my broom but it was like it new my every move and it started to fly. Now I would like you all to envision what happened next if you will, it started flying and I started swinging my broom like a tennis racket hitting everything in sight except that damn bug. I finally made contact and it fell to the floor and then I beat it death. Literally BEAT IT TO DEATH. Meanwhile Tux is in the corner because he has never seen me get so violent and I'm sure he's thinking I'm never going to go outside my litter box again lest I get the same fate as the cockroach. I then drug the bugs corpse across the floor and put it into the toilet... and I flushed that thing about ten times.

On another note that has nothing to do with the bug of death I did see live free or die hard on Saturday night and it was a great movie! Now I'm a self proclaimed girly girl but I love me some action movies!  I came out of that movie totally  pumped up! I was all I hope there's another cockroach in my apartment! Okay not really but you get the point, and apparently I was not the only  one whose adrenaline was running amuck.  In the bathroom after the movie these two girls almost got into it and one of them threatened to take it out to the parking lot all because one of the other girls kicked her chair. Crazy.