Everything I say is fascinating.

Revenge Is Sweet

Everyday on my way to work I pass a construction site and to be honest I usually don't pay much attention to it. Today as I was waiting for the light to change I noticed a man on the construction site that was kind of shady looking. He all of a sudden takes down his pants and starts mooning the cars.  At first I was appalled and then I thought it was kind of amusing. Remembering Jemima's incident I calmly rolled down my window and shouted at the top of my lungs "I'VE SEEN BETTER!" He pulled up his pants and I drove away smiling. 

Here We Go Again...

Today I'm flying to Tulsa, Oklahoma, then I'm driving two hours to Fort Smith, Arkansas. All of this traveling to be in a wedding. The dress is a chartreuse color. I look like a skittle.

Pictures and recap to come when I return.

Forever Young

Yesterday I was driving minding my own business when I noticed this jeep coming up behind me. I immediately got nervous. The Jeep was packed with teenagers with not a care in the world they had their music playing and they were bobbing and weaving through traffic. They then cut across a vacant lot to avoid the light. My first thought was stupid kids and then my second one was holy crap when did I get old? 

I actually remember a time when I was a taking a high school summer math course*  and during the 45 minute lunch break we would all pile into my friend Will's jeep and go speeding off. Another thing I remember was Will going down an alley and then turning onto a street and NOT EVEN STOPPING TO CHECK to see if there were cars coming. If I could go back in time I would yell at young self and say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU COULD DIE!  And goodness put on a  seat belt!

Now if you will excuse me after that little flashback I need to water my plants, talk to my cat and sit down for a breather.

*I took that course to get ahead stupid over achiever that I was and then when I finished the course I thought what the hell am I thinking? If I play this right I won't have to take math my junior and senior year.  Annnnnnd that is the Lissa we all know and love

BEST. DAY. EVER.

No seriously yesterday was the best day ever. Do you remember that episode of sex in the city where Miranda is going out to meet the girls for drinks? (I know what you are thinking, what episode weren't they all meeting for drinks, but stay with me I have a point.) She had just had the baby and she didn't want to go out because she didn't have anything to wear.Then she looked into her closet and that's when she noticed them, her skinny jeans. She thought why not try them on, and they fit, and there was much rejoicing and cocktails to be had!

It's not just women who are trying to lose baby weight that have these skinny jeans. I think every woman can identify with this situation at least I know I do because I have never given birth! We all have our skinny clothes, clothes that are in the back of the closet and that never really see the light of day because we have the mentality of one day I will fit into these clothes! Well I am proud to say that day has come for me.*  Do I hear angles and cherubs singing? Why yes I think I do and thanks for asking.

In the process of my move I stumbled upon said clothes and I packed them up  again with the intention that I will fit into these someday. I actually have another confession to make and that is I own seventeen pairs of black pants. Yes let the stoning begin. SEVENTEEN PAIRS! I actually gave a lot away to charity because seriously those size twos? NEVER GOING TO FIT ME! Even I'm not that delusional but I digress.

Earlier this week an ice storm came down upon Texas forcing us to shut the city down because we don't know how to function when it gets below 65 degrees. Well wouldn't you know it that I had a huge pile of clothes that needed to be dry cleaned so come Thursday I literally had nothing to wear but one of my multitude of bridesmaids dresses. I like to dress up for work but even that is a bit much for my taste. I was faced with wearing jeans or try the skinny pants. I thought what the heck I'll try them and see what happens. Lo and behold not only did they fit but they were loose! Some might even say they looked kind of baggy on me! (I had noticed that my other pants were actually very big on me but I think I just chalked it up because I wear them so much and they stretch.) Well I gave out a little yelp in delight and then I immediately called my mother and all she had to say was uhh... okay that is great honey.  Obviously you understand. Don't you internet!?!?!

 

Tonight I am meeting up with girlfriends for dinner and drinks. I'm so sex in the city... except umm there is no sex in this city.

I'm so late to the party

So the Golden Globes were this past Monday and I can't believe that  it has taken me this long  to report on any of it and by report I mean rip on all the celebrities. Actually today we have a guest blogger! My friend Emily Ann does not have a blog but she sent me a hilarious email where she critiqued all the celebrities and I feel it my duty to post it here. Of course I have her permission. Let the fun begin.

America Ferrera--beauuuuuutiful ensemble.  I am happy for you.  I have nothing snarky to say.  Love your smiley eyes!

Angelina Jolie--I love how your tattoos compliment your dress.  Also the look on your face throughout the red carpet AND ceremony was, "I'd rather be home taking a bath with my 342 children."  Ugh, did I just say that?

Arquette sisters--is this a side show act at the circus? Or 2 sisters who both star in TV shows?  I'm not so sure…
 

Cameron Diaz--wow you must be taking the breakup pretty hard, huh?  Were you stealing from Bjork's closet or wearing what you thought would be your wedding gown?  So many questions.

Cate Blanchett--did you forget the globes were even happening?  At 4:15 did you realize what you had on your calendar and ran around in a panic and this is what you came up with?  Also, never a good idea to let the limo driver do your hair.

 

Drew Barrymore--I think I wore a version of this at a college toga party.

 

Ellen Pompeo--. Eat a cracker and spend a week in the Bahamas, it will do you good. Side note: Your makeup is flawless.

Emily Blunt--you are only safe from my snarky remarks because you have a very hot boyfriend, Michael Buble.  He's your best accessory.  Although I will say as you were leaving the stage I was very distracted by how revealing the lower half of your dress was…suffice to say, I don't feel any smarter knowing you and Britney Spears don't wear underwear.

Eva Longoria--lay off the 5 pounds of makeup...I think your makeup and dress weigh more than you do.

Hayden Panettiere--you clean up well! It's Rapunzel meets Gladiator. 

 

Isla Fisher--I'm jealous you get to sleep with Sacha Baron Cohen.  That's all I can say about you.

Jennifer Lopez--It's amazing to see what fake hair and spray on makeup can do for a girl. Also, your husband still looks like a zombie…share the spray on bronzer.

 

Kate Winslet--bad lipstick choice!  Baaaaaad!  I'm tired of the white gowns.  Is everyone competing for the open slots in the Miss USA pageant?  Let's see, Kate can be Miss New Jersey and Drew can be Miss Nevada.

 

Mary Louise Parker--you look lost dear, do you some change?  A bowl of soup?  Perhaps a warm place to sleep? 

Reese Witherspoon--dress reminds me of something you'd put on your Barbie for a day of riding around in her Barbie corvette with Ken. Also, for some reason I want to shout out to her, "THETA LOVE! Oh my gawd, black and gold forever! Call me!"

Renee Zellweger--Hmmmm, someone needs to throw some jalapeno juice in her eyes--maybe that would open them up.

Salma Hayek--boobs!  Knockers!  Dinners!  Fun bags!  Ta Tas!  Milk machines!  Jugs!  That's all for now.

Sharon Stone--I love when they let the crazies out!  You know she's hopped up on Xanax and Jack Daniels. 

Sienna Miller--go home. And also your entire ensemble tells us you like to milk cows and party hard! Rock on!

Tina Fey--noooooooooooooooooo. Your dress reminds me of what a little goth girl's jewelry box ballet dancer would look like.  Interesting but not a good thing.

 

Vanessa Minnillo--Hi, this is the Golden Globes--not prom. Thanks!

Only In The South

Now if I can just get Jezebel I will have the whole collection.

Complete with removable stone tablets and shepherd's staff!!!

This was the gift I gave at our annual church re-gifting exchange this past Saturday night.Now I must say all my gifts this Christmas were pretty good so I didn't actually receive this as a gift this past Christmas. but I saw it in a store in Dallas and I new I had to buy it for the party.  Although I think the best gift of the night was a candle and the scent was wait for it... the Aroma of Christ. It didn't smell to bad for being 2000 years old, but seriously who gives someone a candle that is the Aroma of Christ? AS. A. SERIOUS. GIFT. 

That got a big laugh but not as much as the gift I received which was why to marry Jewish. Apparently everyone thinks I need help in my dating life. It's on my nightstand as we speak.

Not all of the gifts were of a religious nature someone got the lovely CD Bette of Roses which I'm sure he is listening to right this second at work.

Now this leads me to ask what was your worst gift this year? Or any year for that matter?

Moving Day

I moved 2 days ago and I'm about to pull out my hair from all the crap that surrounds me. Okay it's really not so bad but if I see one more box labeled "stuff" we are going to have words. I really have no one to blame but myself since I was the one who labeled it but that is neither here nor there. Actually this move was a lot about self discovery... all of it not good.

As a refresher for everyone when I moved back from New York I had to move in with my parents because stupid New York sucked up all my money. What with it's fancy restaurants, 12 dollar martinis and astronomical rent. Two thousand two hundred dollars a month for a two bedroom with only one bathroom! THAT I SHARED WITH A BOY, that was neither my boyfriend or husband. There was no aww isn't that cute he leaves his toothbrush on the sink counter, no it more like damn it Matt put the toothbrush in the holder! Are you trying to kill me slowly by annoyance?* But I digress.

What was supposed to be about a 6 month tenure at casa de los padres turned into a year and half. A YEAR AND A HALF! I'm 26!!! It killed me as much as you are thinking it did. Over the holidays I sat my parents down and told them I was moving out. It was time. As much for my sanity as for theirs... okay more for my own. I got the keys for my new apartment on Friday and on Saturday morning I went and bought paint to make it my own. By Saturday afternoon I wanted to hire painters to finish the job. Did you know that when you paint a room red that you have to put a primer first and then put about 3 coats on to make it look even? Well you do now. Consider it a public service announcement by  misplaced texan. I painted my living room red as well as behind some bookshelves. I have always wanted a red living room. I will never do it again. Unless I hire someone of course. My bedroom is a lovely blue shade that took one coat. I LOVE you bedroom for being so easy. (Ha, my bedroom is easy. Wow, sorry couldn't help myself.)

After I painted I figured I should probably pack up my "stuff" and actually move in. I had no idea I had so much crap.

And apparently underneath my bed lives a black hole. A black hole where diet books go to DIE.

Also Bally's Health Bars.

Tux does not seem impressed and to be honest I wasn't either which is probably why they were under my bed.

Now aside from the diet books that I don't remember buying at all there is something else I'm more then slightly concerned with. I was unpacking a box labeled dishes and cups and this is all that was in there.

Apparently I'm a wino who only needs one small tumbler, six different wine glasses, one champagne flute and two shot glasses. At least I'm ready for a small dinner party.  In all seriousness just one little everyday glass?!?

All of my kitchen "stuff" has been in storage and was packed up in New York so it was packed using the New York Post, and that is just weird to me. It makes me feel sad for some reason.

 

Oh on a quick note if I haven't already disgusted you with the whole bally's bar thing after the movers moved my bed from against the wall I found out that I live in filth.

It was all I could do not to break out the vacuum right then and there and start going to work on that carpet. How do I not have allergies with all that stuff under there? Gross. Although in my defense most of that white stuff is from my duvet which has a rip in it and the stuffing came out every time I made the bed. I just never wanted to buy another one. After seeing the above I bought a new one two days ago.

I'm still getting everything out of boxes and trying to set up the pictures just the way I want them which I assure you will take forever because I'm quite indecisive. As soon as that happens I promise to have plenty of pictures of my new pad.

*Matt you know I love you and wouldn't have wanted another roommate. We did have fun together, remember the snowman?

Let's Play a Game

Do you remember when you were little and you played pretend? Well here at misplaced texan/ everything I say is fascinating we are going to pretend that it's the really the first week of January not the second so really this New Years Resolution post is right on time!  We are also going to pretend that my last post didn't happen so we are just going to breeze right over that.

I normally make only two or three new years resolutions because lets face it I'm just setting myself up for failure, but then I read Lori's list and realize I have been going about this all wrong. I just need to set the bar higher! So without further ado my new years resolutions:

1. Stay out of jail (26 years and still going strong)

2. Take a trip overseas (this is totally in the works so one down already!)

3. Not to get so angry at sporting events that I might jeopardize resolution number one... this could prove harder to accomplish

4.  go skiing in February (will you look at that, its already on the calender)

5. Retire... again.

6.  stop drinking coke (I had to give myself something to fail at so I can feel like this is a true list)

7. start being more adventurous in my cooking

8. start cooking

9. get that promotion so I can move to a bigger office (mostly this is because I have so much crap at my desk I really need a bigger room)

10. Go to NYC more often

11. Try to post more regularly on this blog

Well enough with bettering myself because lets face it I'm pretty perfect. Obviously I'm kidding, I myself know how the crazy likes to take over my body... perhaps I should work on that as well.

On to my New Years Eve post that is not going to be as exciting as the first time I typed it out. I'm just going to hit the highlights of the trip. Last year for New Year my friends came down to visit me so it was only fair that I go up there this year.  I drove up with my friend Brian to Dallas and what was supposed to be just a 4-5 hour trip ended up being 7-8 hours long. My butt hurt the next day from so much sitting in the car. Three things led to the demise of this trip; 1. the biggest outlet mall in  Texas is on the way to Dallas so seriously how can you not stop! 2. stupid stand still traffic for 45 minutes while i needed to go to the bathroom I think my kidneys are still hurting 3. Mother Nature decided she had it out for us  because as we got  into the Dallas Ft Worth metro area the sky's opened up and it was raining and as Brian and I were in the car listening to the radio we realized that there were tornados all around us. IT IS A MIRACLE I'M ALIVE.

Two days later it is now New Years Eve and it is a big college reunion dinner party. We are all dressed up and the guys cooked this wonderful meal for all of us and had drinks for us as well. It was decadent I tell you! After the wonderful meal we call cabs (because we are responsible like that) and we pile into them and head to our final destination. Now you would think that we since we are all dressed up we would go to a very nice swanky bar well not so much. We had rented out one of the most seediest bars in town and it was so much fun. It's this little hole in the wall place in the middle of downtown where there is karaoke and they even had a buffet of beans. Yes, a BUFFET OF BEANS! Why beans? I have no idea but suffice to say that none of us touched them. 

While we are in the middle of Karaoke (and yes I have video and no I'm not going to share it) our friends Sarah and Andy show up. They were supposed to be at this fancy shamncy dinner and dancing party but once they got there they realized they were one of the only two couples that were straight at the party... and that other couple were friends of theirs. Now Andy looks just like Peyton Manning, and I mean looks JUST LIKE HIM. He gets asked for autographs all the time as well as gets free drinks and other stuff so when he felt people looking at him at the party he thought they had mistaken him for Peyton. Until he really looked around noticed that they weren't really looking at him so much as checking him out. He whispered to his wife to take a look around the room and thats when they realized they were the only straight people. Which is awesome so they had dinner made some new friends and then came and joined us at the hole in the wall bar.

It is at this place where things start to get interesting. My friend Emily is probably one of the funniest people I know and she might have gotten a little drunk tipsy. Now when this happens it's like all hell brakes loose. Apparently this guy who was part of our group but who we had never met before took an interest in Emily and was all over her. She was having none of it... well sort of. Now unbeknown to all of us this same guy had gotten some action from another friend and that friend was getting angry. She grabbed Emily by the hand and then proceeded to yell at her and blah blah blah. All I could do was stand there watch and laugh. Sarah summed it up nicely when she noticed what was going on. "Oh a fight! Lissa grab your camera!" Of course I was already on it.

I would post pictures of the fight but you know Emily might want to run for office one day or something.  About an hour later the jilted friend comes back for ROUND TWO! Emily laughs her off and tells her to get over it, its New Years and to relax she's not going to be messing around with anyone. Then comes the countdown everybody is kissing everyone else and I start to feel my age. I am way too old to be doing this anymore. 

It is now one am and truth be told I'm ready to go home so I go to close out my friends tab and this bar is so old school that they don't have a computer for the tabs and were writing everything down by hand. FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER they come to tell me they lost the credit card and gave it to someone else. I'm pissed to say the least but I don't want to tell my friend because she is drunk tipsy and to be honest I was afraid she was going to cause a scene. I tell her another friend has her credit card and then we all get into the cabs again and head home.

Does the party end there? OF COURSE NOT! We move to another friends home and I'm driving with Emily in the car and the guy who is trying to get into her pants in the back seat... he obviously has not gotten the hint nor does he seem to be loosing any steam in his endeavor. I realize it is time to take strong action. He starts to rub Emily's shoulders and she shoots me a look like please help me. It is at this point where I whip around in the car and yell "IF YOU EVEN THINK I'M THE KIND OF FRIEND WHO IS GOING TO LET HER GO HOME WITH YOU OR YOU COME HOME WITH US AFTER WE JUST MET YOU TONIGHT YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING." I promise I am not making this up when I say he slid down into the back seat and says I hate my life.

We stayed at the after party for about 30 minutes and then we left, well not without a late night stop at McDonald's. Now while all this is going down Emily realizes that she has lost her cell phone and sounds like a broken record  because she is constantly asking have you seen my cell phone? Then she gets it into her mind that OnStar is going to help us out and proceeds to push the button repeatedly and starts talking to the guy on the other end. The McDonald's drive thru guy is watching all of this and is cracking up. Me? Not so much.

We finally make it back to the apartment where we scarfed down our food and then went and passed out. In the morning we wake up and I realize that I have to tell Emily that her credit card is lost. I'm dreading this conversation and I feel a knot in my stomach even though it is completely not my fault. I just blurt it out and expect the worst and she surprises me by saying that, that wasn't bad news but GREAT NEWS! Since the bar lost her card they couldn't charge the total and we were using her card to put all our drinks on it so it would easily have been about a $250 tab. She called the credit card company and found out that the bar had only charged her six dollars. Now that is the start of a great year!

Classic Melissa... If you are a family member or a friend that is a boy and I know you personally please don't read this post.

Against my better judgment I'm about to post a story that is horrifying and yet I feel like I need to tell you Internet! What is this power you have over me! (Matt if you are reading this please stop RIGHT NOW... I don't want you bringing this up in public like last time.)

Something happened to me yesterday and it was so funny that I immediately emailed Lori to tell her about it, and then later that night I told her twin sister as well as another friend and they said I had to put it on the blog. Why I listen to them I don't know but here it is the story of mortification.

Yesterday I was in a rush because I had to be at the office by 8:30 and of course I was running late. Just to give you a little run down of how chaotic my morning was I glanced at the clock and flew out bed. I went to the mirror to check out my hair situation. I said, "hair do you need to be washed today because frankly I don't have the time." My hair said it could wait till that evening. I quickly changed out of my pajamas into my work clothes, slapped some makeup on, grabbed my keys and computer and ran out the door. 

Cut to three hours later and my third trip to the bathroom and thats when it happened. I realized I had my underwear on backwards. What's the big deal you say? I was wearing a thong. How in the world had I not noticed when I put them on yesterday morning that they were on backwards? How did I not feel it through out the day? How did I not notice the 2 other times I was in the restroom? I have no explanation and its not like I wear extra large underwear, I'm a small/medium! So there I was thinking to myself crap what do I do? It's not like I can just take off my pants and underwear in the bathroom stall. First of all I had tall boots on so it's not just the pants and the underwear that had to be taken off it was like I had to get halfway undressed also there are a lot of people in our company and there are people coming in and out of the bathroom all the time. In conclusion yesterday I was rocking backward thong underwear for about 10 hours.  Yet, just another time I wish this blog was anonymous.

I promise the New Years post is coming soon.

salkfjsadoifj!!!!

I had my whole new years eve post done and I was about to push publish and my computer FROZE! So now all my funny stories about new years have vanished into the sky and needless to say I'm a tad bit upset! Did I save a draft of it? No of course not because I'm stupid. Trust me it's good, there are stories including tornadoes, fights, a missing cell phone and credit card, a battle with onstar, and a surprise appearance by Peyton Manning! I'm crying just thinking about it. I will try to type it up again later but I have this little thing called a job that might get in the way.

If you are coming here by the way of Emily she is probably referring to this post which is much funnier then this excuse today that I call writing.

Now if you will please pardon me for a second, my computer and I are going to have a little "talk" in the alley.