So the Golden Globes were this past Monday and I can't believe that it has taken me this long to report on any of it and by report I mean rip on all the celebrities. Actually today we have a guest blogger! My friend Emily Ann does not have a blog but she sent me a hilarious email where she critiqued all the celebrities and I feel it my duty to post it here. Of course I have her permission. Let the fun begin.
America Ferrera--beauuuuuutiful ensemble. I am happy for you. I have nothing snarky to say. Love your smiley eyes!
Angelina Jolie--I love how your tattoos compliment your dress. Also the look on your face throughout the red carpet AND ceremony was, "I'd rather be home taking a bath with my 342 children." Ugh, did I just say that?
Arquette sisters--is this a side show act at the circus? Or 2 sisters who both star in TV shows? I'm not so sure…
Cameron Diaz--wow
you must be taking the breakup pretty hard, huh? Were you stealing
from Bjork's closet or wearing what you thought would be your wedding
gown? So many questions.
Cate Blanchett--did you forget the globes were even happening? At 4:15 did you realize what you had on your calendar and ran around in a panic and this is what you came up with? Also, never a good idea to let the limo driver do your hair.
Drew Barrymore--I think I wore a version of this at a college toga party.
Ellen Pompeo--. Eat a cracker and spend a week in the Bahamas, it will do you good. Side note: Your makeup is flawless.
Emily Blunt--you are only safe from my snarky remarks because you have a very hot boyfriend, Michael Buble. He's your best accessory. Although I will say as you were leaving the stage I was very distracted by how revealing the lower half of your dress was…suffice to say, I don't feel any smarter knowing you and Britney Spears don't wear underwear.
Eva Longoria--lay off the 5 pounds of makeup...I think your makeup and dress weigh more than you do.
Hayden Panettiere--you clean up well! It's Rapunzel meets Gladiator.
Isla Fisher--I'm jealous you get to sleep with Sacha Baron Cohen. That's all I can say about you.
Jennifer Lopez--It's amazing to see what fake hair and spray on makeup can do for a girl. Also, your husband still looks like a zombie…share the spray on bronzer.
Kate Winslet--bad lipstick choice! Baaaaaad! I'm tired of the white gowns. Is everyone competing for the open slots in the Miss USA pageant? Let's see, Kate can be Miss New Jersey and Drew can be Miss Nevada.
Mary Louise Parker--you look lost dear, do you some change? A bowl of soup? Perhaps a warm place to sleep?
Reese Witherspoon--dress
reminds me of something you'd put on your Barbie for a day of riding
around in her Barbie corvette with Ken. Also, for some reason I want to
shout out to her, "THETA LOVE! Oh my gawd, black and gold forever!
Call me!"
Renee Zellweger--Hmmmm, someone needs to throw some jalapeno juice in her eyes--maybe that would open them up.
Salma Hayek--boobs! Knockers! Dinners! Fun bags! Ta Tas! Milk machines! Jugs! That's all for now.
Sharon Stone--I love when they let the crazies out! You know she's hopped up on Xanax and Jack Daniels.
Sienna Miller--go home. And also your entire ensemble tells us you like to milk cows and party hard! Rock on!
Tina Fey--noooooooooooooooooo. Your dress reminds me of what a little goth girl's jewelry box ballet dancer would look like. Interesting but not a good thing.
Vanessa Minnillo--Hi, this is the Golden Globes--not prom. Thanks!
Love the post and love Emily's commentary!
Posted by: Sarah | January 17, 2007 at 11:46 AM
Woohoo! I'm famous! I'm famous! I'm off to be a guest judge on American Idol...Paula and I are going to pop Vicodin together!
Posted by: Emily Ann | January 17, 2007 at 12:54 PM
Whew! Just as I was going into Snarkywood withdrawal, Emily arrives to stave off the shakes. Thank goodness.
Posted by: Superfantastic | January 19, 2007 at 08:46 AM
This is so fun! Absolutely hilarious!
Posted by: Janet | January 21, 2007 at 12:07 PM