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Finding The Balance

Obviously this was supposed to post on Thursday but as always I'm running behind schedule so just humor me and read this as if i posted it on the 5th. 

Today I turn 28. Today is the year I take the steps to change careers and change my life. It all sounds so dramatic when I type it out that way and I guess in a way it is. To put it in perspective I should give you a bit of history.

I never gave my parents any trouble, I did everything I was told. I wasn't Anthony Michael Hall in Breakfast Club or anything but I was basically a good kid. I think in high school I had one beer and I shared it with four other people. I know I'm a HUGE rebel. I wasn't a nerd or anything, but I went to private school, and that wasn't really the thing to do. When I went to college I wanted to major in fine arts but my parents encouraged me to major in business, never the one to argue or disappoint I tried to find the one major in business that seemed what I wanted which ended up being marketing. My GPA only ended up being as high as it was because of all the extra curricular classes that I ended up taking.  I had to take macro economics 3 times because I just didn't understand it. I think this should have been a sign. I graduated in 2002 and not really all that happy with the degree that I had chosen.  

Looking back on it I think my parents just wanted me to make sure I would have a job after college and a business degree ensured that to them. (Which to their credit it did, not one I was happy with but that is neither here nor there) Like I have said my parents are older and to them they are from the generation where they think a profession should be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, and there is nothing wrong with those vocations but for me who has all this creative energy inside it's like death.  

A couple of weeks ago I approached my parents and told them I was going back to school to learn graphic design and possibly web development. You would have thought I told them I was moving to Antarctica and joining a cult. THE REACTION!  My dad immediately started spouting out questions like can you even make money off this so called graphic design! Telling me, I just don't understand it.  He then told me I should go get my masters in FINANCE! Hello, do we not remember the economics fiasco of '01? Again my parents are older and when talking to them about these things I'm talking across many generation gaps and sometimes getting my point across is so frustrating. 

To be honest I think this also came as a big shock to my parents because the job I currently hold is a great job and financially I will be taking a big pay cut when I start all over but to me it's worth it. I think it's long over due but to be honest I'm scared too. I'm going back to school. I'm also a little bit embarrassed because I'm afraid these kids are going to know more then I do and I'm not going to know something and look like a dumb ass. And also by the time everything is going to be said and done I will be 29 possibly 30 going into an entry level position probably with people younger then me as my boss just like Chandler from Friends. Scary. 

This was a big step for me to tell my parents I'm going back to school. I know what you are thinking, but you are 28! Yes, I know.  All I can say is sometimes when you have people who depend on you and this responsibility that has been on your shoulders for so long, sometimes you get treated like a child for a long time and you don't even realize that you have turned into an adult. The three of us have been this unit for so long and have been functioning this way for so long that it's hard to break this mold.

This is the first step in finding that balance I spoke of before so I can take care of my own life and not feel like I'm drowning.  

I'm embracing this change with hesitation but with eagerness too because hopefully this time next year I'm going to start looking for jobs that I really want and for the first time time not doing what is expected of me. Freeing and scary at the time. 

  

The Only Child Syndrome Continued

I have touched lightly on this subject once before but I'm going to go a little bit more in depth in today's post and talk about what happens in the later years of an only child. What happens when you are the only child and your parents get older and you are the only person who is there to take care of them? The responsibility rest solely on your shoulders and sometimes it's hard to just get through the day. I never talk about this to anyone except my very close friends. I feel like I'm complaining and I don't mean to. Even writing this is hard. 

My parents had me when they were older so most of their friend's children are ten years ahead of me. My mom was 34 about to turn 35 and my dad was 38 about to turn 39. Now it doesn't seem so odd, but back then 27 years ago, it was probably the equivalent of 45 or 50. So do the math and my parents are up there in age. Anyone who has parents who are starting to go through health issues knows it can be a trying time, hopefully you have a brother a sister, a husband or a wife to help you through it. When you are an only child and you aren't married yet, you have this sense of responsibility and suddenly you become the parent. 

This is what has happened to me. 

I can't tell you exactly when it happened, when the shift occurred, but I know it has.  All of sudden the phone calls that I get  have started out with "I need you to do ..." And there is no one else to do those things but me.  In the last two years my mother has had three surgeries and while she is fine now I wish I had had someone to talk to or to help me when she came home from the hospital. That was such a trying time for our relationship. Last year my father went into the hospital for a week. It was the first time I had ever seen him sick. I had no one to talk to about it and it scared me and thats when I really felt alone and for the first time in a long time I wished I had a brother or sister to lean on. 

I want to move away from Texas again and I am slowly taking the steps to do that (details to come on Thursday) but I feel guilty because again I'm the only child and who else will help them if they need it? Sometimes I feel like crying because I think what if something happens and I'm not there. I know I can't live in a world of what ifs but this is my reality. This is what I deal with every day. I feel bad as if I am complaining and I don't mean to. I mean they are my parents. They have done so much for me how can I complain? I mean, I owe them right? They paid for my college. They took care of me! They have literally given me the world how can I not help them in any way that I can? The only answer I can give you is sometimes I feel as if I am drowning. These emotions are real and raw. 

While I am slowly figuring this out I know there has to be others out there who feel the same way I do. Who sincerely love their parents and want the best for them but at the same time need a way to find a balance. I'm trying to find this balance. 

Revelation

I am an only child and with that comes a certain stigma about my personality. When people think of only children the words spoiled brat come to mind and while I did go through that phase of life I hope when people think of me the words only child syndrome don't enter their thoughts. I have an acquaintance that is an only child and she fits the stereotype to a T, such as crying when she doesn't get her way or throwing a fit if something isn't all about her, and wanting attention ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting to be around and thus why I rarely surround myself with such people. I think realizing this is why I try hard not to be this way.

On the other hand I am very independent and I do tend to make decisions for others all the time. Although mostly its because nobody wants to make a decision and I can't stand that so I go ahead and do it.  I will be the one who drives all the time because I trust myself. I will be the one is the spokesperson for the group because nobody else wants the responsibility. I don't mind at all, it's who I am.

Whenever I go out with friends I will always end up driving and its usually because I volunteer. I don't mind but deep down it's because I know that at the end of the evening I will be able to drive home and while some of my friends won't be able to stand up straight. I trust myself.  Some of my friends have said that I am like the mother of the group and I admit even I can be annoying at times, but I also think that when it comes down to it I like to think I'm responsible.

When I was in Colorado we were driving back down from the mountains and in our car the girls had an interesting conversation. My new friend Jaime was recounting her story about how some of her friends had told her she could never give up control and pass it over to someone; i.e. her husband. She said when she heard this her first thought was that's not the case I would gladly hand him over responsibilities because I trust him and it's you I don't trust. And with that one sentence it's like a light bulb went  off above my head and I realized that is exactly how I feel but I never knew it. I need to be able to trust someone to do what they say they are going to do and not just half ass it. I need to be able to know that you are going to get the job done, and maybe it's not how I would have done it, but at least I will know it's in good hands.

I always think it's amazing how one person can say something in passing and yet it will stick with you your whole life.

Where does it all go?

I landed my first job was when I was 21. I was a senior in college and I was taking a course that required an internship and thus that is how I got thrown into the workforce.  A little bit later then some of my peers who started working at the age of 16. It is now seven years later and I am still trying to learn the value of a dollar. What can I say I'm a slow learner.

When Heather B. asked me to write about what I do with my disposable income I said sure! I am now sitting her thinking crap!  Disposable income? What's that?  This "assignment" actually came at the perfect time since I was in the middle of doing all my tax stuff and going over my records/bank statements I could actually see what I spend my money on. I have now noticed I spend it on food. Hot damn I eat out a lot! Thus the curse of the single woman who hates cooking for one. (Seriously who wants left overs for three days in a row.) 

Once I took a better look at my statements though I figured out exactly where all this money I make is going.  Since I am in real estate I have to budget out my finances really well because I can't count on a check coming every two weeks.  Once all that is said and done my leftovers, if you will, go into three categories:

1.Saving to buy a house or move back to NYC
2. Travel
3. Misc/Entertainment

I have yet to make a decision on whether I am moving back to NY or not but come August one of two things is going to happen, either A. I'm buying a house or B. I'm moving to NY. Both of these will take a considerable amount of money  so off my money goes into a savings account marked the rest of my life.

I usually take a trip every month and this is where a lot of my money goes. I have friends and family all over the world and when you have a free place to stay a $200-$300 dollar ticket isn't so bad, but when it's all said and done I most likely spend about 500 dollars a month on trips. This year I have been to California and Colorado and by the end of the year I have trips already scheduled for New York, Las Vegas,  San Fransisco, Germany, Colorado (again) and perhaps Montreal.  I don't mind spending my money on traveling because I love it. If I could get a job where I traveled and took pictures for a living that would be IDEAL, but alas that is not in the cards... at least not yet.

My third category is my everyday spending: i.e. the eating out, the movies, the countless songs I buy on itunes, Target and Anthropologie.  When I look at this everyday number that I spend I'm sure I can cut it down to half of that and put more into savings but really what is the fun in that? Luckily I don't have to save right now for kids college or anything else that is going to cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm lucky that if I see a pair of shoes and I want them I can get them, this is the good thing about being a single, but the bad thing is having no one that I am accountable to except myself.