Everything I say is fascinating.

Classic Melissa

I'm still sick. Also I had a coughing fit so bad yesterday, I threw my back out. This would only happen to me.

Ghost of Boyfriends Past Part II

You can find Part I here.

I don't date a lot and that kind of scares me. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I'm too picky or if it's because the pickings are slim, but to be honest there really hasn't been anyone that I have met that has made me get excited either. That is actually really disappointing in itself as well. I just read a post from Charming, but Single and there was paragraph that she wrote that struck a nerve, actually it was two sentences that really hit home. "I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something. And because it never had."

I can't tell you how may times I have had those same thoughts. I think about my past relationships in college and the ones after and how they have changed. What has changed about them? After my serious relationship the last thing I wanted to do was get serious so my remaining years at Baylor were spent flirting and kissing boys and going to parties. I dated two other guys my junior and senior year but I knew it was nothing to write home about. Harmless fun.

After college things seemed to get a bit trickier and one by one my friends started to get serious boyfriends and then before I knew it the wedding invitations started rolling in. All of sudden I started to feel this pressure. I started to see this guy who I knew was all wrong for me. I started changing. I knew I didn't like who I was becoming and yet I couldn't stop myself. I was afraid of being alone. I can admit it now, but ask me back then and I probably would have bitten your head off. It eventually ended like I knew it would when it started.

Cut to two years later and I move to New York and several dates with different guys but nothing really sticks. Enter the Pilot.

While I was living in New York I happened to go on a ski trip with my church and met the pilot. Now although we never did date we hung out every time I was in town, going to dinner, watching movies, it was the same old song and dance my friends. I admit it I liked him. I look back on it and question my own judgment. He knew I liked him no doubt about that. It was one evening about two months after I had moved back from NYC that we went out to dinner and this thing that we had been dancing around finally came to a head. We both knew it it had to go either one way or the other. I would like to say that at 25 I was old enough to say no to "friends with benefits" but I wasn't. I knew what I wanted and yet I knew what I was settling for. We eventually had a HUGE fight that left me screaming into his voicemail. OH YES. I was that girl. (I hope I've learned from that too.) That will also happen when one of you is more invested then the other one is.

These past relationships if I take an honest look at them and at myself I was changing myself to see how I could fit into their life. How could I make them like me? I have felt pathetic in the past and wondered what they must have thought about me after I had walked away. I like to think I have learned from my past transgressions.

Since that time there have been other people that I have dated here and there but nobody that has lasted a significant amount of time, no one who I have wanted to meet my parents. As I sit here at 27, on the cusp of 28, I am thinking again about Charming' words, "I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something. And because it never had." I think about these words because I know what she is talking about. I have felt those tears on my cheeks. I have done those things. I think almost every woman has in some way or another.

so umm yeah

Obviously I did not do this! This is the handy work of Emily of Not That You Asked. She made this banner for me a long time ago and I'm resurrecting it because I was tired of the old site. I'm hoping having this up will give me motivation to finish mine by the end of the weekend. Or maybe I will just win the contest from GenPink and I won't even have to worry about it! Then I will start on Slynnro's banner because she asked me back in January and I like to get things done in a timely manner. If you ask nicely I can get yours done by Christmas.

Classic Melissa: Things I really shouldn't tell you

I present this in list form.

1. I once hurt my wrist playing air guitar. I was really into it.

2. I like Nickleback. Yes I hang my head in shame.

3. I secretly laugh at happy endings.

4. I watch Keeping up with the Kardashians because it makes me feel smarter but also for hair and makeup ideas.

5. I'm reading What to Expect When You're Expecting. Not because I'm pregnant but because my best friends is and its so we can talk about it. Thats kinda weird right? Also I was not expecting that book to be that big! My goodness my arm might fall off because that book is so heavy. If anyone breaks into my apartment I know what I'm hitting them with!

6. I check facebook way too much.

7. I take sleeping pills sometimes and the other day I got up to go to the bathroom. Now keep in mind it was the middle of the night and I was very groggy but if my toilet hadn't been near a wall I would have fallen over mid pee. It was like I was drunk. If this is the effect you would like may I suggest Target sleep aid.

8. I feel I take way too much medication for someone my age (27) seriously 4 pills in the morning and three at night. I might as well schedule my hip replacement now.

9. A. I have a memory problem. To be honest not a lot of people know this about me in fact very few people. Well one of the medications I take for my migraines says that forgetfulness is a common side effect. I will sometimes be in sitting in traffic and think to myself, did I shower today? And I have to think LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS! This may seem funny but sometimes it can be a real pain.
B. Lori left a comment and it also reminded that sometimes I will sit at stop signs and wait for the light to change! It's a wonder how I got my drivers license.

10. I think my fish is anorexic. He has just stopped eating. I think he hates me and is trying to kill himself. Perhaps I should put on Finding Nemo to cheer him up?

It's All Kinds Of Crazy Over Here

I'm sick. Again. I swear I'm going to find whoever gave me this germ and hunt them down and make them come to the doctor with me because I HATE the doctor! I've been sick since Friday which means I've been working from home which we all know means I've been watching TV and playing on the computer. All right not true I have been working a lot but now that I have everything under the sun done I can now play.

I have decided to learn photoshop. You know since I got it for Christmas and all! Anyway I'm in the process of redesigning my site. I'm getting frustrated to say the least. Man this software is hard is learn. If anyone has any tips or any sites that will help me out please let me know as for now I'm going to pour myself a drink. So what if it's only 11am? I'll make it a mimosa!

Also please come back tomorrow for a hilarious Classic Melissa post in list form. Trust me worth your while.

Classic Melissa Snarky Edition

Lately I have been attending a lot of baby showers and weddings It seems that over the past month I have been to one every weekend and I am starting to predict the conversation. Not that I don't enjoy it because I do, just not when it's centered around me. Like when I haven't seen someone in oh about seven years and the first words out of your your mouth shouldn't be these: (because my reply is going to be something not so nice.)

Her: Hey! So when is this going to be you? When are you going to get married?

Me: Hey! How's your rocky marriage doing? I heard you're headed for divorce.

Okay I didn't really say that, although had there been drinks at that baby shower I probably would have, but I swear the next time someone asks me that question I'm going to and I don't care who it is, even if their marriage is rock solid, so WATCH OUT!

Classic Melissa

Speaking of Low Class... What? I promise to let it go at some point but I thought what happened on Monday made what happened today all the more humorous!

I went to Target to pick up a few items and when I went to check out I quickly noticed I didn't have my debit card. I had twenty five dollars in cash and I was looking at the screen as my items were being totaled praying I would have enough money. No such luck. The cashier tells me it will be $25.35. I laughed and I told him my situation and I looked in my bags to see what I could take out, and that is when I noticed the witch behind me! She looks at me rolls her eyes and sighs. Now I don't want to toot my own horn or anything and I'M ALSO IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT BY ANY MEANS WHATSOEVER, but if I see that someone needs 35 CENTS, I will gladly give it to them! BECAUSE I'M A NICE PERSON and all that jazz.

The cashier and I are completely laughing at this point and are making a game out of it as I'm trying to find something to give to him to bring the cost down. I say "I know! The bananas! Lets take out one banana and see what that does." He starts laughing says "Oh no! $25.17!" This time the lady behind me is pissed, and I admit it, I just didn't care at this point, because again if I saw that someone needed 17 CENTS, I WOULD GIVE IT TO THEM. I told the guy to take out all the bananas and it dropped down to $24.77. I paid the bill the walked out the door wishing I hadn't just taken out all the change from my purse.

The Nerve of Some People

What would you do if you ran into someone you haven't seen in ten years? Say someone you haven't seen since high school? Say you ran into this person in a department store like Nordstrom I bet you wouldn't expect the encounter to go like this:

I walk into Nordstrom with my cousin as she is trying to find a watch for her husband as a "just because" gift. (He has a thing for watches expensive and non-expensive.) I notice a girl (who shall be known as K.) from my high school in the mens department folding clothes. We weren't friends but we weren't enemies either. In fact now that I think about it our families traveled to Europe together when I was 16, which makes this encounter all the more bizarre and makes me all the more angry! (I'm sorry I digress)

Me: Hey! How are you? (I give K. a hug)

K: Good. How are you?

Me: I'm doing well. We were just looking for a watch for her husband. How's your family?

K: She's fine. What kind of watch?

Cousin: I'm thinking a Kenneth Cole.

K: Oh those are so low class.

Cousin: Excuse me?

K: (This is where she tries to backpedal) Well umm he just doesn't make very good products. And then she goes on and on about something and then she somehow brings Jessica Simpson's name into the conversation.

Me: Well we're going to go. Bye.

My cousin and I walked out of the store and looked at each other in a state of disbelief. My cousin said "Did she just say we were low class?" I looked at her and said I think she did! I looked down at myself to see if it looked like I had climbed out of trash bin or if it looked like I not bathed? No it did not. I was in black pants an argyle sweater with my black coach purse and heels. I had just come from work and a nice dinner at P.F. Changs.My cousin who was in a conference all day long was also dressed in business attire. Low class?Please.

Of course while lying in bed I had a few choice words for this girl but at the time I was so stunned I could merely blink. My cousin, who has the vocabulary of a litigator and oversees a multi-million dollar business in California, will be writing a letter to the corporation.

Now my question is if you had been there what would you have said or done?

The Last Supper (Before We Were Mugged)

Today's post is written by frequent reader and commenter Emily from New York. We went to college together and lived two streets down from each other when I lived in New York. She is hilarious and if you knew her like I do, this story is completely Emily.

Let me start at the beginning, I met Heather through my boyfriend, Dan. Heather is Bob’s girlfriend. Bob and Dan are bestest good friends and live together in LA. Do you really care? Am I annoying you yet? So anyway, Heather and I have become friends and on Saturday, we decided she should come out to Brooklyn and cook dinner with me at my apartment. We wanted to test a few recipes before making a meal for our boys when we visit in a couple weeks. So we go to the best place on earth, Fairway and buy our ingredients. Seriously folks, this is the most awesome grocery store I’ve set foot in. Not only because it’s literally right on the water and you can see the Statue of Liberty from the parking but also because it’s cheap (by NY standards) and very fresh. [End rant.] So we get back to my apartment and start cooking…and cooking…and cooking. By the time our apricot and herb crusted pork tenderloin, roasted rosemary red potatoes, sautéed brussell sprouts and Panna Cotta was ready (Food Network can kick our asses!)—it was 10pm. So we happily ate our delicious meal along with our sparkling wine. We are so fancy! So grown up! We can conquer the world! Well since the guys hadn’t called us yet (it was almost midnight est) and we were a bit tipsy, we decided the best plan of action was to get dressed up! Go out and have a few drinks at the local bars! We are too cute to stay home after slaving away in the kitchen! So at 12:30am—we were on our way to my favor pub down the street. We had our drinks and another genius idea came upon us: we must go to another bar and live it up! We are young! We run free! Before we knew it, we had been at Loki for over 2 hours. It was almost 4am but we weren’t done. Oh nooooo…after our gourmet meal, we needed more food! McDonalds was the only answer. So we skip and hop to Mickey D’s and have our breakfast burritos but not before I ranted on and on to the cashier about Southern Chicken Biscuits (why does NYC McDonalds not have these!?! They are the greatest addition to south of the Mason-Dixon Mickey D’s menus! Why not let the Yankees experience their delicious goodness?).

This is where the story takes a turn—not just a put-on-your-blinker-we-are-turning turn but a wait-what-you-wanted-me-to-turn-now-oh-sweet-baby-Jesus-we-are-turning-hold-onto-your-organs turn. It’s now 4:45am and we are drunkenly walking the 5 blocks back to my apartment. The avenue we were walking down is a main thorough-fare through Brooklyn—so it’s always busy and full of traffic. As we get to my block, we hook a right and I notice 2 dudes walking behind us. I immediately turn to Heather and tell her what I saw. She looks at me and says, “what should we do?” For whatever reason (I guess gut instinct) I just knew these weren’t two guys that happened to live on the same block and going along their merry gangster way. Heather and I interlock arms and start walking faster. My building entrance is now about 20 feet away.

This is where it gets foggy because it all happened so fast. We are on the bottom stair of my building when I feel someone pulling on my ponytail. This is when Texas Sass/Fire/Rage/Don’t-Touch-Me all of a sudden took over my body. I whipped around to look—directly in the face—two guys who couldn’t have been older than 20 staring back at us. The one that grabbed my hair, calmly and quietly said, “give me your bag”. I immediately screamed back, “I DON’T HAVE A BAG!!!” (which I did not…when I go out to bars, I stuff my license, credit card and cash in a business card holder and put in my pocket. Not because I am smart but because I am lazy.) His friend who had grabbed Heather’s arm leaned over and quite politely demanded her to give him her bag, which she did not give over easily. As soon as he asked for it, they began to play a short game of tug-of-war. At some moment during this, the rage within me bellowed out, “DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU’RE F*CKING DEAL WITH?! I’M A F*CKING COP AND I HAVE A GUN!!!!!” He ripped the bag out of Heather’s hand and they sprinted away.

While watching them run away, Heather and I are yelling every obscenity in the book at them. My favorite was, “HAVE FUN WITH $6 AND A BUNCH OF PENCILS!!!” Besides $6 in cash, they got the following: 1 ugly bag (given to Heather by soon to be mother-in-law), 5 pencils (she is a teacher and had taken a state test earlier that day), 3 credit cards (which were immediately cancelled), 1 passport (this is a bummer but she cancelled it as well) and 2 apartment keys (another bummer since she had to pay a locksmith). We burst into my building and stood there in the hallway just looking at one another. I called 911 and gave them all the details while Heather was on the phone with our boyfriends telling them what had happened. Almost immediately the police showed up and we told them what had just happened. They asked us to hop in separate police cars to go look for the perps. I wish I could say this was my first time in the back of a cop’s car but unfortunately in college, I was a witness to car vandalism in a grocery store parking lot and ended up riding around looking for the dude who did it (we never found him). So we drive around and all the while I’m giving my description of the guy that attacked me, we pull in front of a diner. The cop asks me to come inside and see if 2 of the guys sitting at the counter could be them. I lung into the diner and frantically look around like the crazy white girl I am. I want you to picture a diner at 5am full of people, all sitting around eating their eggs and sipping their coffee and then imagine, a lunatic white girl bursting in and angrily looking at you a little too long. Yeah that was me. No luck—it wasn’t them the cops spotted.

They drive me back to my apartment where I meet back up with Heather. She fills out a report and while doing so, I get more than an earful from one of the cops. He calls me stupid for what I said and I spat back, “what should have I yelled??? FIRE?!?!” And his response, “yes because people care if their building is on fire but don’t care if you yell police.” I think this is true in New York but I really don’t think yelling fire at 5am, on an empty street would have helped matters. I think the guys would have just started laughing and out of fun, punched me in the face for my idiocy. Anway, it’s now 5:45am and we are exhausted. I finally talk to Dan on the phone and that was the first time I actually cried. And by cried, I mean the crying where you can’t talk and it’s just short, staggered breaths. I was a mess. Heather was on the other end of my apartment doing the same thing with Bob. I think if a stranger had walked into my place, he or she would have quietly and calmly backed out while throwing a few Xanax our way. As we were trying to go to bed, I looked out the window and watched the sun come up.

For those of you who live in an urban city—don’t walk home—even if it’s 5 blocks. If you are out past 12am—just take a cab and ask the driver to watch you walk into your building. I will never, never, EVER make that mistake again and it’s been replaying in my mind ever since but if you do decide to walk home late at night, make sure you actually ARE a cop and you DO have a gun on you…and it might not hurt to also throw in a little pepper spray into the action as well.

This has been your Public Service Announcement! Over and out!

Ghost of Boyfriends Past

You should probably know that I almost got engaged. It was in college and I was young.  I think about him often, sometimes in the strangest of places. A smell will bring back a memory or I hear a song that will make me think of him.

I think about how my life would be so different now. Would I have kids? Would I still live in the Texas? I don't regret my decision to end it but sometimes self doubt creeps into my mind. I wonder if I made a mistake. 

One of my favorite memories was us just lying in his bed talking, his thumb running over my collar bone ever so slightly, listening to music and not having a care in the world. No one had ever looked at me the way he did and I'm scared that I won't find that again. 
He introduced me to music that I had never even considered or heard of, books that have made an impact on my life and challenged me to grow as a person.  He was my first college romance; he was essentially my first love.

After we broke up he ended up dropping out of school the following semester. I was too selfish to even realize he was gone until a friend told me a year later. The last I heard he had become a chef and moved to Colorado.  I could easily find out where he is now because his father is always in the paper and many people know his family. I choose not to ask but I don't know why. I have friends in Colorado and I'm always afraid that when I go visit I will run into him. It never fails that when I'm flying into the Denver airport I think is this the time when I will see him? I'm afraid that if I run into him I will find out that he is married and has children. I will look down at his children and they are going to be beautiful and I will get misty eyed. I will graciously say that it was good to see him and then I will have to walk away.

Like I said before I don't regret my decision to brake up with him. I was twenty and selfish and all I wanted to do was go out and have fun. I know that I miss him and I always will but I can't live in a world of what if...

I originally wrote this a long long long time ago on another blog I had that I have since taken down because seriously I can barely keep up with this blog so I have no idea what I was thinking.